Just a second, my hair's shut in the door

My excuse for having to make them not rush off like our tails were on fire today. (/the title)

Here's an awesome fanfic of Canada as a manly-man, and a story that could have been told to me by Andorra.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6460178/2/Adventures_of_Manada

http://www.web-books.com/Classics/ON/B0/B272/120MB272.html

We had a speaker in today whom gave the distinct impression he was expecting a bunch of runt kids who would say "Oh, we never knew any of that, which has happened in the last two years for we are college prep students and therefore shutins from society and have not lived through the past two years. We are shut off from all forms of communication. No, we didn't notice you never said two cents about the college you were being paid to represent or leave us with any sort of valuable information that might make up for your irritating voice, disrespect, and arrogant assumption that we don't see military quality shiz on a regular basis, SIR. Bloody meatbag of a monkey's gutterball. That was unacceptable. Varmit.

I've been up 12 am today, and it is now 5:09 pm. This man made me angry like only two other people have done before him. A speaker from the nuclear proliferation conference who gave such a 'general' overview of Korea and nuclear weaponry he might as well been saying 'I had months to prepare and decided to just whip this up last night because you're a bunch of dumb high school students'. Then, there was this girl there, in a pink hoodie. We don't talk about the girl in the pink hoodie. Congratulations sir, if there was ever a group so displeasing as yourself and these two I speak of together in one room, I might just call the Po-po on your blooming keesters.

That's enough of that. Moving on. I have a new favorite not-blog/blog thingy. Learn from My Fail. Let's have some of those. The ones that sound like they have great stories behind them. ^.^


When walking through the history department, don't whistle the annoying yet catchy song you picked up from a documentary but can't quite place. It was written for, and beloved by, Nazis.

When you see a harmless spider in your bedroom, get rid of it. It will not seem harmless when you awake at midnight with a spider on your face. 


When you see a deer in the road, stop. Don't move to the other side of the road to avoid it, you will hit it's friend and end up upside down in a ditch.


Falling down the stairs and breaking a toe is embarrassing. Falling down the stairs and breaking the same toe three months later is twice as embarrassing. Have fun explaining to your family why you're limping again.


When traveling to the U.S. to pick up a friend and bring her back to Canada for a visit, make sure there is not a state trooper standing behind you when you joke about smuggling her out of the country.


At night, Don't run to your car when it's cold. Water and ice look exactly the same in the parking lot.


You should never play with the little, oblong, red thing on your teacher's key chain. That is a spitfire. When you press the button, you will get a face full pepper spray, the room will have to be evacuated, and when you rub your eyes an hour later, it will sting anew.


Imagine how angry someone would be if you plowed through their house with a tractor. Now imagine if that house had ten thousand people living in it. Now imagine that all those angry people are bees.


No matter how proficient you may feel on crutches, never attempt to carry your hot tea in your pants. Even if it is in a travel mug.


At the mall never scare your wife and daughters as they come out of the restroom. The other woman with two daughters that come out first tend to freak out.


Before you call the cops because there is an intruder in your house, make sure it's not your own reflection from the mirror you just moved into the living room.


When using sugar to exfoliate your face do not, under any circumstances, fall asleep without rinsing your face. All the ants in your room will love you.


Make sure you put the fileting knife you're sharpening down before you swat at a bee buzzing around your legs. 


While frozen peas and frozen diced onions will both work equally well for a sprained ankle, only one of these will leave you with an onion-y b.o. smell that won't wash off for days.


When staying on a Navy base, wearing an Army sweatshirt probably isn't going to make you too many new friends.


If you decide to go downstairs in the morning without your glasses, try not to scream bloody murder at a "cockroach" on the floor. It's only an oblong prune that fell on the floor last night. And your neighbors will call the cops because they'll think someone got killed. 


Never tap your professor on the shoulder if he is facing the other way. Especially if he has noise canceling headphones on. You will end up with a broken nose and blood all over your shirt and essay.


Just because you hear a loud knocking early in the morning, it may not be the delivery man. It may be the police trying to arrest your neighbour, who will gladly think you are him trying to escape and tackle you instead. 


Tip: When updating your CV, proof read it. Your ideal job should read "one where I am free to explore." Not, "one where I am free to explode."


Don't buy and/or use generic branded surge protectors. They WILL fail, they WILL catch your house on fire, and without a way to get a hold of the manufacturer to claim the "$100,000 damage protection" that most of the name-brands carry, well, you'll be screwed.


When living in Mexico, remember the slight pronunciation difference between the words ENFERMO and INFIERNO. Telling the Spanish-speaking members of your church that your dad couldn't make it to the session because he is sick is a lot different than because he is in hell.


When you step on something sharp with your bare feet, don't rub your foot on your ankle to get it off; you will end up slicing your ankle open with a jagged piece of glass.


When you notice your office bathroom suddenly smells lovely, think before you lean over to inspect that new contraption on the counter. The motion sensor on an air freshener does not care that its trajectory aims directly into your eye.


“The good ones are always taken” can also refer to chairs. Be very suspicious of vacant ones.


If your friend goes to look down a glass elevator shaft and hits their head on the outer glass wall they didn't see, don't try to see what happened by doing the exact same thing. You will look that much more stupid.


When taking a pie out of a 375-degree oven, remember that the sticky goodness oozing over the side is also 375 degrees. Licking it off the oven mitt is not recommended. 


When rhapsodizing about the beautiful 4-month-old Siamese girl you just adopted, make sure everyone knows you mean a kitten before overenthusiastic co-workers start organizing a baby shower.


When jumping a six foot high fence while chasing a baseball, make sure it is not a 20 foot high fence on the other side.


Never place a trampoline beside an electric fence.


Before scaring someone, make sure they're not a Navy SEAL. You will be hurt.


The phrase "I had a drug problem," is not the correct way to explain that you were working out a interaction between your prescriptions.


Look both ways when crossing the street, even when the street is one-way. You know this, but the out-of-town driver going the wrong way might not.


If you are talking with a friend about a Calculus 4 course at University, never refer to it as C4. Especially at an airport.


If you dress up as a mugger for halloween, and two cops actually stop you on the street when walking home from the party you just went to, do NOT give in to that booze-driven-urge to "play the part just for a laugh" and fake an attempt to run away. Trust me, just don't.


Do not name a goldfish after your child, or his younger brother may come to school and tell his teacher that Brian died.


When shopping for a new couch don't ask the salesman how well blood comes out of the cushions. He may not know that you have a dog that tends to rip her diaper off when in heat. They will walk off not be seen again and no one else will help you either.


Just because the last 4 nights your trash was torn up by opposums does not mean that tonight, when you run outside screaming with a super soaker to scare them away, it will still be those opposums you originally saw. This time it will be a skunk.


When grabbing a gumball out of the bag your roomate left on the desk, make sure they are actually gumballs and not paintballs.


When reaching for the moisturizer on your desk without your glasses on, remember that you had been doing crafts before, and your bottle of glue looks remarkably similar to your bottle of moisturiser. Preferably before you smear it all over your face.


When about to jump out and scare someone, make sure they don't have an almost boiling cup of coffee in their hand, you WILL get a hot cup of lava in your face


Always. Take. Off. The. Poptart. Wrapper. The firemen now know you by name.


When you're a waitress and the table you're serving asks you to give a birthday shout out for their kid, never yell "Attention! This little girl is celebrating her 12th birthday today!" if there's the slightest possibility she's a boy. 




That's a wrap folks!