(Viewer discretion advised, some subjects are pg-13ish cause of memories of a mean me. I looked at this, and it was either save it to the computer where it might be found, delete it, or post it. It's posted.)
It's one in the morning, and I've decided not to sleep.
Out of tea, I'll drink a Monster(blue kind) or coffee. Kay, had to try the cake, make sure it was good enough to waste my time putting frosting on it. IT IS. <33333 Oh hohohohoho, I gotta remember that tea is the number one ingredient ever in cake from now on. That and not measuring stuff. Tea and an random amounts of everything, that's what makes a good cake.
1:28 am The sirens started up late tonight. Usually they start around seven or so in the evening.
I really miss my friend Erin right now loves. She was my best friend from kindergarten all the way up to sometime around sixth grade. We were both home schooled right at the end there, so not exactly sure when I lost saw her. Wanna know why I haven't seen her in seven years? Our moms had been sort of friends too, because they were stuck talking to each other whenever we hung out, which was a lot. And they got into some kind of argument and my mom just stopped bringing me over to see my friend and her mom stopped bringing her over to see me. Good grief, seven years. We're eighteen and haven't seen each other since we were elevenish. I want to freaking call her now. See if she's alive and sane. Hah, hopefully she didn't get kidnapped or something. She had an email back then, I didn't (didn't use the internet, my computer of then was born two years after me XD), she had a 'boyfriend' who lived in NY, who was the actor for Spiderman. ...........I seriously hope that girl didn't get herself kidnapped.
Well since I'm on the subject, Erin's also the reason why I don't sing for anyone. We both loved singing, she did it way more than I did, and I thought, way better than me. Once she got out of the car cause were were dropping her off at her house from like a party or just hanging out or something, and my mom turned to me, cute little six or seven year old me, and said; "Wow, I'm glad that's over. She sings like nails on a chalkboard." (not so sure about the wording, but it was to that effect) So the cuteness that was me, got her first taste of being self conscience, and stopped singing. Yeah still did it for school group junk cause that was required, but you could NOT get me to sing by myself. I do it now sometimes if I'm happy enough and alone, or with K, who is made of awesome. Tried singing at night when I was, hrm, maybe 13 or so? Guess what duckies, my mom heard me through the walls and it bothered her so she couldn't sleep. -.- I'm not that bad a singer, she's just a ......(insert whatever word you please here quite a good lot of them will fit).
The woman used to use the scar on her belly as proof that I was related to her (C-section), but all that really proved to me was that she had a baby. Well, as it turns out, unfortunately, we are related. There's no questioning that I wasn't adopted. Wanna know why? Because there's a portrait of a woman in the hallway that was done over seventy years ago who I look exactly like. I like looking like my dead great-great-great grandma Lu-something than my mom. Eat it you hag.
My brother moved out last year, and our mom keeps like pressing him to come back. I miss him a ton, but I know why he's staying away. I'm going to do the same. As soon as I'm out of high school, I'm going on a roadtrip to Canada, then I'm off to college. If I can help it I won't even show my face during holidays. Me and my mom are kinda like two big cats shoved into a small space. We can get along fine as long as we ignore each other and don't get in the others way or are within arm length distance from each other. Eh, depends on the day.... Otherwise we can get at each others throats pretty bad. She doesn't say it, but you can get it from how she looks at me that she thinks I'm exactly like my dad and it's only because of him I'm how I am. Yar, I'm bipolar. No, I don't bring it up every moment of the day. I can get through my days fine. Kinda like when I told her flat out I hated her when I was fifteen, she took me to a doctor to put me on anti-depressants, made me go to counseling with the pastor of our church, then his wife, then one lady I had never met before but was an overbearing hugg-y soul who just didn't get no teenager liked strangers giving them hugs or giving them grandmotherly kisses on the cheek My grandmother is Italian. She never gave 'grandmotherly kisses' she gave me a pink stuffed rabbit when I was four that my dog ate when I was nine. If you gave her crap, she'd whoop ya, and then you'd never do it again. I love my grandmother! Just not whoever the heck that random lady was trying to pretend to be anything like her. Cheeky duckweed.
My grandma's got Alzheimer's really bad, so she doesn't remember me, or her own children. That must suck, but, I guess if you had grandchildren like my cousins (drunkards since they were kiddies), maybe it isn't all that bad.
I basically got adopted as a surrogate granddaughter by an awesome old lady at church. E's great. Just found out the guy she's always with is her boyfriend, not her hubby. Well, he's still my equivalent to a grand-da anyway. He's bipolar too. He got sent to the hospital and the parentels decided we were going to go visit him. I don't get told anything. So I was already mad from being put in the same car as ugly, and then they thought telling me a guy I love is in the hospital and that we were going to see him. Right then. Oh yeah, that went over well. I told them I really wanted to go home(because I am awesome and do keep things in check. they could tell I was in a foul mood but not in a rage). There was no way I would be able to smile and tell gramps I loved him and that he should get better soon. Refused to go in and stayed in the car. I didn't want to see him like that. The wind blew the car door and hit a silver car beside us (we wrote down our info and stuck it to the car for them cause it left a slight dent and our paint its door). Well, as it turned out, gramps didn't want to see anyone either. He was in the same enraged sate I was in, only moreso. He screamed his guts out for the parentels to get lost, and the hag said he sounded like a demon. Well woman, that's going to be me if I stay here for as long as you want me to, so I'm really doing you a favor. Man I love my grandpa guy. We were totally on the same page that day.
In all honesty, I only starting kinda liking people again since I found a few good ones. My school's annoying, but it's got some decent folks. C's the only reason I let anyone hug me and give hugs on occasion because they hugged me everyday until I got used to it. (I was too quiet to actually vocalize how uncomfortable it made me). Funny story though, nobody liked this person, and it literally took me years to figure out that I didn't really like them either. They got caught making out with a foreign exchange student from Japan or China or somewhere Oriental, and yeah. Kinda a whore. They were both female which threw up a very well placed wall between me and them. Oh hohoho, We had an awesome Ukrainian come and hang with us last year, and you have no idea how much I was watching that kid to make sure she was alright. I didn't care if I had known C for years, I was ready to start something if she so much as looked at the kid wrong. I'm just an old guard dog. Guarded Erin a ton too. I think I might have done it too much when we were little and she didn't know how to stand up for herself because of it. Dunno. Hope not.
I've only had one boyfriend in my life. I asked his but out fro a friend, and she asked his but out for me. He's currently dating one of my older friends. It kinda feels like we're passing him around like a toy saying 'here, I don't want this, you can have it'. I 'dated' him for three months, we never went anywhere, he kissed the side of my head once, I met his mom, and I was completely gaga head over heels I love you with him. For about three months anyway. I'd never been in any kind of relationship before, even one lame like this where nothing happened, at all. We might have well just been friends still. So, I was gaga over him. Big deal. Took about three months of praising God for letting me be around 'this awesome guy', til it happened that my common sense kicked in. I got to figure out he was a total schmuck when it came to really important things, and I totally dumped him. The reason God let me date him, was probably to get the gaga lovey-dovey mood out of the way and think with my head and heart instead of just clinging to 'I'm so in loooooove' junk.
I do like a guy right now though. He's not the one I dumped. He goes to my church, takes care of the kiddies, and is a total sweet guy. Bad thing, my mom is gaga over him and was trying for at least a year to get me to go out with him. I don't like her, or her opinions. I don't need an update on what he did that day when I miss church. Good grief woman, you're in your late fifties or something. You don't need to be trying to pick out a suitor for me or trying to set me up. It's lame I like him. I think he likes me too, but I stopped going to church often a long time ago. Most of the people there were tight nit when I showed up, and they're still just as tight and I don't have any friends there except for one nice British lady. ...she's my mom's friend too. >.< So I can either talk to her, or my mom. My bruder comes by too for second service, but going to church at six and staying until one or two in the afternoon doesn't work for me. Not when I'm not needed or with people to talk to. (My friend B from there moved out of state earlier this year) I tried looking after the nursery, and it was cool and all, but I just got so sick of watching other peoples' kids and not having the memory to tell who their parents were when they came to get them. I did it for like a year, and I was done.
Another thing that's pretty bad that had been starting to happen recently; when I do go, I get ditched at church. The parentels come up with the excuse of 'oh, we thought your bruder was going to take you home' and he left too because they never told him anything either. If I want to go to church I am walking to the one nearby on my own without them or waiting until my car gets fixed so I can drive. I am not getting ditched miles from home by old people who call everyone stupid and chatter like epileptic frogs on acid.
I'm not a pacifist, but I don't take well to senseless name calling and yarking. Yeah so and so did something pretty stupid, but you don't have to point the obvious out and then go off on them while the only one within hearing range is me. Then they echo everything the other says. It's infuriating sometimes.
And people wonder why I don't come out of my room. That's a lie, I do come out of it more now. To walk the dog. I get to be outside and not with them. It's like gold.
I miss my aunt's pugs. I didn't like my cousins, they were meatbags even then, but I liked the dogs. They were wrinkly and cute. I remember some people we stayed with when we went back to visit were like, obsessed with the Coca Cola bears, and they were everywhere. I used to like a kid named Randalf when I was a kiddie. Who the heck names their son Randalf? Poor kid. I feel even sorrier for him because I knew a tiny me totally stalked him. Not like, stalk-stalked him, but definitely tried to follow him around everywhere. The problem with being smitten with somebody when you're a kid is that you don't know how to express it. Me, I stalked him. Some boys who liked me did classroom chores when I was assigned them. (Too bad for them it just made me not like them because they always picked the chores I liked doing.) Then, in the second grade, I still feel bleh about this, but a boy came up and kissed me on the lips while I was on the swing. (He was not one of the boys I liked, he was gross.) So, I stood up, walked about three steps, and threw up. I told the teacher I threw up, my mom got called, and I was sent home. Poor kid, probably scarred him for life. First girl he kissed threw up. (I still regret not throwing up on him though.)
Kay, this is long, I'm gonna post it and make another.
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