So my mom doesn't call them democrats, she calls them demon-craps. Yes, I do not agree with them on most things, but I don't agree with a lot of people on a lot of things. With all my mom's bitchery on everything, I have felt more intense rage than I would desire to inflict on anyone no matter how horribly I felt about them. It's more of a terrible sadness now. I've had friends on both sides of war and seen them kill each other. I don't want to lash out at people, I don't want all this rage. I want to do my best to protect and love, and for those people who are murderers I feel deep sorrow when they die because that ends their chances of ever getting back with the Lord. But, if it's between letting them live to kill again or hurt another in a despicable fashion, I would take them down my self. Not kill them unless it was outright necessary, but tear them down and break them so they would be unable to hurt anyone ever again whether physically or mentally.
But I truly hate that she is so willing to make it that children breaking rules automatically makes it a GOOD thing when they die. Some kids were up by a lake and drowned. They were illegal and couldn't read the sign that there was no swimming allowed there. They were my age. My mother laughed when she heard the news and spoke along the lines of 'good riddance'. I never wish to be like her.
I can't tell whether I'm shaking with cold from the morning or with rage that this woman is sitting within 15 feet of me and she doesn't know how disgusted I am with her.
She goes through the motions. She and ugly pray and read the Bible every morning from what I've seen, the same start to the prayer muttered repeatedly every time. She works in the church cafe and smiles and greets people, whom I can't tell her anything because telling her is telling the church. Gossipy foolish woman.
I get to delete the history for google chrome now because I have to hide my blog. They'll probably get curious as to what I look at eventually.
Ah, I'm being nearly bitched at. Terribly fascinating how she can still find the means to do that when my birthday party's today. Lovely old wench ain't she? As soon as I stop and actually finish the chapter of what I'm reading, then I'll go get dressed. Have a decent sized list of to do things today.
First her voice gets angry, then it gets mixed with disgust, then rage. Who's bipolar? Me. Who's not? Her. She's just a ~insert whatever word you deem to fit here~. I'll figure out some good qualities to stick in later here. If I can think of any.
Oh yeah, here's one. Usually we try to ignore each other. End.
Have a fantastic day.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
My Vati
My mutter and vati got divorced when I was five. My da, is a pretty interesting man. They got divorced because he was a half crazed, abusive meatbag, who was bipolar and couldn't logically therefore, raise children safely. Hit my brother a lot, stopped after my brother turned around and dropped him. This was like when he was six. A six year old dropped a grown man. God I'm proud of my bruder.
Anyway, got to see him on a visit once when I was seven, cause after the divorce we moved to another state. I got him a dinosaur plushie, and he won a little white bear with a red ribbon for me at some kind of amusement park. (Huh, wonder if I still have that thing? Think it's downstairs somewhere...)
He never forgets my birthday, has sent me letters I was brainwashed into throwing away instantly and never reading until April of this year, and I barely talk to him on the phone. My bruder went and visited him with his gal, and it went over awesomely. Da called yesterday and today, and my mutter didn't answer it or yell phone for me. Yeah she doesn't like him, but I want to talk to him.
What she doesn't get, is that all she hates about me, she hated about him too. Being bipolar and sometimes openly cold in the face of her huffy open stupid, is definitely part of it. She tried to put me on crap for depression (don't worry lovies, not depressed, never was, just really disliked people in general for awhile), he's on crap for that sometimes. Look! A matching set! I've been wanting to talk to him about what he did in high school, why he went to college and got like tons of degrees in Criminal Science and whatnot to be a cop, how it feels not being able to use any of them because he's certified crazy by the state, how it's like getting along, just life.
I'm going to go to college in two years and major in French, and maybe double major in another language if I can, but more than likely just take the second as a minor. I want to know what I'm going to have to deal with if I ever get that bad when I'm older. Seeing how I'm pretty much fine with everyone but my mutter, it probably won't, but I still want to know.
I want to write that man a letter now. I suck at writing letters.
Anyway, got to see him on a visit once when I was seven, cause after the divorce we moved to another state. I got him a dinosaur plushie, and he won a little white bear with a red ribbon for me at some kind of amusement park. (Huh, wonder if I still have that thing? Think it's downstairs somewhere...)
He never forgets my birthday, has sent me letters I was brainwashed into throwing away instantly and never reading until April of this year, and I barely talk to him on the phone. My bruder went and visited him with his gal, and it went over awesomely. Da called yesterday and today, and my mutter didn't answer it or yell phone for me. Yeah she doesn't like him, but I want to talk to him.
What she doesn't get, is that all she hates about me, she hated about him too. Being bipolar and sometimes openly cold in the face of her huffy open stupid, is definitely part of it. She tried to put me on crap for depression (don't worry lovies, not depressed, never was, just really disliked people in general for awhile), he's on crap for that sometimes. Look! A matching set! I've been wanting to talk to him about what he did in high school, why he went to college and got like tons of degrees in Criminal Science and whatnot to be a cop, how it feels not being able to use any of them because he's certified crazy by the state, how it's like getting along, just life.
I'm going to go to college in two years and major in French, and maybe double major in another language if I can, but more than likely just take the second as a minor. I want to know what I'm going to have to deal with if I ever get that bad when I'm older. Seeing how I'm pretty much fine with everyone but my mutter, it probably won't, but I still want to know.
I want to write that man a letter now. I suck at writing letters.
I'm almost certain that's illegal
So, I registered to vote in November's election thingy on Oct 4, it didn't go through because there are more girls than just me with my exact name, middle name included with some of them. Because of the confusion, I didn't go on their list for people to vote and this all unknown to me until today.
What I had planned for today, was seeing that my horse got back from the trainer's safely and got settled back home happily. (Btw, he's totally fine, rolled as soon as he got put up and he's been gone for a month and a half.) Did that, but instead of just returning home, like I was thinking we would do, we turned on the wrong street. Well, I looked from the back of my jolly old mum's head, to the ugly's.
"Where are we going?"
"Oh, we have to drop off your brother's ballot."
... That's fine. Yes, it's something kinda important, so yeah, has to be done. Mind TELLING me beforehand so I don't get irritated with you? I sat back and stayed quiet. We got to the office, and right before the ugly went in to drop it off I hear this.
"Oh, and while you're in there, ask about her too. You said you didn't see her name come up on the list, right?"
O.O
What?
The F did you just say? Why haven't you said anything about this?
So I stayed quiet again, and the ugly came back and said that, no indeed, I wasn't on their list because of name confusion. I've googled myself before and found a lawyer and some kind of surgeon or mechanic, so I already knew that there was more than one girl with my name. They on the other hand, were baffled by this concept that my name, as plain as it is, was really common. Anyway, because they didn't tell me any of this, when I got in there I didn't have my school ID, my social security number(need the last four digits if you don't have a driver's licence), and I don't have a driver's licence anyway. I was going out to see a horse, you freaking think I carry that stuff around with me 24/7 and can produce it on demand?
At least the lady who was handling it was nice. She was chill and just told us the times we could come in tomorrow and next week because places like that don't do Sundays. Gonna see her tomorrow and get this taken care of.
However, there was something my mutter did that just irked me, and I guarantee was borderline against the law if it wasn't straight up illegal. She got handed the form by the nice lady whose name I can't remember, sat down beside me instead of handing it to me, and proceeded to poise her pen like she was going to fill it out and turn to me for the answers of the questions. This was my reaction.
"The hell are you doing woman?" And I put my hand out in the unspoken 'hand that over'.
She looked at me like 'of course I'm filling it out, I fill everything out', and apparently whatever look I gave her was enough that she did eventually hand it to me without touching it so I could do it myself. After a full fourteen or so seconds. Count up that high slowly and that's how long it took. And this was with me giving her a cold eye.Yeah. *is slightly grr*
The other thing that irked me, was that you only needed the last digits of your social security if you didn't have a driver's licence. The woman could have looked me up even if I didn't have it with me and this could have been done today. However, because my brother stopped being ' a good son' in our mutter's eyes once he got his driver's licence and could go places without calling on her, therefore she is doing everything in her power to make sure I don't get one. Yes, I'm 18 and can get one now without her bloody sayso, but the problem is, even when I do, and I am going to, my truck, is disassembled in the garage. The engine is playing puzzle, and the rest of it she and ugly have turned into a shelf. A shelf, that is piled three feet to four feet high in any given place you look.
I'm going to donate all that stuff to goodwill or throw it out. Then I'm going to get a mechanic out here, and get my truck put back together.
At least my baby's back home now. Peace out duckies.
What I had planned for today, was seeing that my horse got back from the trainer's safely and got settled back home happily. (Btw, he's totally fine, rolled as soon as he got put up and he's been gone for a month and a half.) Did that, but instead of just returning home, like I was thinking we would do, we turned on the wrong street. Well, I looked from the back of my jolly old mum's head, to the ugly's.
"Where are we going?"
"Oh, we have to drop off your brother's ballot."
... That's fine. Yes, it's something kinda important, so yeah, has to be done. Mind TELLING me beforehand so I don't get irritated with you? I sat back and stayed quiet. We got to the office, and right before the ugly went in to drop it off I hear this.
"Oh, and while you're in there, ask about her too. You said you didn't see her name come up on the list, right?"
O.O
What?
The F did you just say? Why haven't you said anything about this?
So I stayed quiet again, and the ugly came back and said that, no indeed, I wasn't on their list because of name confusion. I've googled myself before and found a lawyer and some kind of surgeon or mechanic, so I already knew that there was more than one girl with my name. They on the other hand, were baffled by this concept that my name, as plain as it is, was really common. Anyway, because they didn't tell me any of this, when I got in there I didn't have my school ID, my social security number(need the last four digits if you don't have a driver's licence), and I don't have a driver's licence anyway. I was going out to see a horse, you freaking think I carry that stuff around with me 24/7 and can produce it on demand?
At least the lady who was handling it was nice. She was chill and just told us the times we could come in tomorrow and next week because places like that don't do Sundays. Gonna see her tomorrow and get this taken care of.
However, there was something my mutter did that just irked me, and I guarantee was borderline against the law if it wasn't straight up illegal. She got handed the form by the nice lady whose name I can't remember, sat down beside me instead of handing it to me, and proceeded to poise her pen like she was going to fill it out and turn to me for the answers of the questions. This was my reaction.
"The hell are you doing woman?" And I put my hand out in the unspoken 'hand that over'.
She looked at me like 'of course I'm filling it out, I fill everything out', and apparently whatever look I gave her was enough that she did eventually hand it to me without touching it so I could do it myself. After a full fourteen or so seconds. Count up that high slowly and that's how long it took. And this was with me giving her a cold eye.Yeah. *is slightly grr*
The other thing that irked me, was that you only needed the last digits of your social security if you didn't have a driver's licence. The woman could have looked me up even if I didn't have it with me and this could have been done today. However, because my brother stopped being ' a good son' in our mutter's eyes once he got his driver's licence and could go places without calling on her, therefore she is doing everything in her power to make sure I don't get one. Yes, I'm 18 and can get one now without her bloody sayso, but the problem is, even when I do, and I am going to, my truck, is disassembled in the garage. The engine is playing puzzle, and the rest of it she and ugly have turned into a shelf. A shelf, that is piled three feet to four feet high in any given place you look.
I'm going to donate all that stuff to goodwill or throw it out. Then I'm going to get a mechanic out here, and get my truck put back together.
At least my baby's back home now. Peace out duckies.
Fun Dream
Had a dream last night, where Norway and Denmark came to my birthday party. (It's later today so I'll be watching for them. XD) This is pretty awesome, cause I'm Greenland. I'm getting Denmark's flag on my cake because the cake people don't have a template for the Greenland's one and apparently circles are hard to draw. (I could totally put the frosting on myself, and make it awesome without a 'template' but that's not allowed.) Kay, onto the story. There are two versions because it's one in the morning I'm not entirely sure which is the way it went.
(version1) They were coming up, and I was all happy and excited that they came, so instead of running up to them, I yelled something along the lines of "Hi Denmark! Hi Norway!" And, because I'm a brat, and I thought it'd be funny, then I turned and ran. It was one of those 'haha, can't catch me!' moments. Course I tell them anything, so what they would have seen was. 'hey it's the birthday girl. Hi Greenland!!' They would have seen me all happy to see them too, like big smile happy joy joy, and then randomly ran away.
(version2, the more likely one)
They were coming up, didn't say anything but they were a little far off yet so Denmark might have just waved. In my brain, not out loud, I was all 'Denmark! Norway!', so I got really excited. Beamed and smiled all happy and big, then the brat side of me took over and I ran off because I thought it'd be funny and I figured they'd chase me and it'd turn into a game of tag or something.
Either way, I woke up before they caught me, and I don't know if they chased me at all. I bet I know how that conversation went though.
N~"...." *just gives Denmark a slightly raised eyebrow*
D~"Well, she looked happy to see us. Maybe she's getting something?"
N~"You know she's not."
D~"I know she's not." *covers face with hand and laughs* *shakes his head and keeps walking* "Let's follow, see where she ends up."
N~"If she gets herself lost and killed on her birthday it'll be on your head." *totally monotone/his norm voice* *D considers it a bit*
D~"Or kidnapped... Let's walk a little faster."
(version1) They were coming up, and I was all happy and excited that they came, so instead of running up to them, I yelled something along the lines of "Hi Denmark! Hi Norway!" And, because I'm a brat, and I thought it'd be funny, then I turned and ran. It was one of those 'haha, can't catch me!' moments. Course I tell them anything, so what they would have seen was. 'hey it's the birthday girl. Hi Greenland!!' They would have seen me all happy to see them too, like big smile happy joy joy, and then randomly ran away.
(version2, the more likely one)
They were coming up, didn't say anything but they were a little far off yet so Denmark might have just waved. In my brain, not out loud, I was all 'Denmark! Norway!', so I got really excited. Beamed and smiled all happy and big, then the brat side of me took over and I ran off because I thought it'd be funny and I figured they'd chase me and it'd turn into a game of tag or something.
Either way, I woke up before they caught me, and I don't know if they chased me at all. I bet I know how that conversation went though.
N~"...." *just gives Denmark a slightly raised eyebrow*
D~"Well, she looked happy to see us. Maybe she's getting something?"
N~"You know she's not."
D~"I know she's not." *covers face with hand and laughs* *shakes his head and keeps walking* "Let's follow, see where she ends up."
N~"If she gets herself lost and killed on her birthday it'll be on your head." *totally monotone/his norm voice* *D considers it a bit*
D~"Or kidnapped... Let's walk a little faster."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Afternoon
It's almost ten cause I had to sleep when I got home. I did end up going to bed at five this morning, and it was a good thing I did or I would have been a total zombie today. That's not good. Cause I had two tests today. No clue how I did on the one, but the other was luckily postponed since I'd been sick so much. I don't get sick a ton, but enough.
I learned something today. Or maybe it was yesterday, can't remember. There's a vein or a nerve or something in your wrist that if you get cut or ripped you can bleed to death. It's like in a really specific spot too. No, not suicidal, but it's really interesting to me. Cause my brother used to always tell me that if a mosquito bit me there I would die. Always. Like, when he was eight, he was telling this to a five year old me. I was so scared a mosquito would bite me on the wrist when I was a kid I slept with my hands under the pillow pads down so there'd be no chance of it happening.
How the heck would he have known something like that when he was a kiddie? I don't know, but where my room was, I always got bit a ton by spiders and whathaveyou, legs and arms mostly, and I can't help but wonder if him telling me this actually prevented it from happening. Thanks bro.
My grand old mum remembered it was my birthday. She asked me what I wanted for dinner this morning, and she never does that. Didn't say 'happy birthday'. At all. But, I got fish. FISH! I also got a wooden parasol. This is very strange to me, because I asked for three things, none of which were a wooden parasol. Two rabbit dolls, the white and black rabbits from Pandora Hearts, which would either have to be made or the materials gotten for me so I could make them, and a camera. Yeah the parasol's pretty spiffy, and I'm probably going to use it instead of just leaving it in my room, but why? I guess the idea was 'hey she's into oriental stuff, let's get her this'.
My party's on saturday. Gonna be at a swanky pizza joint.
I'm drinking glögg right now. It's a Nordic drink, and it was totally made in Sweden. (I love World Market!!) It's non-alcoholic, don't worry. It kinda tastes like cider in a way, only not. It's good in a strange way. It definitely tastes like a Christmas thing.
For Hetalia stuff, I'm Greenland, so this is pretty amazing for me right now.
[IMG]http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee163/Red_Spearrow/blog%20pics/food082106069.jpg[/IMG]
Yoicks, I exited out of this page while I was still writing. Google must love me cause this post was still all here. Erm, to wrap things up, here's a picture of the rest of the Nordic nations.
[IMG]http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee163/Red_Spearrow/blog%20pics/nordics3.jpg[/IMG]
I learned something today. Or maybe it was yesterday, can't remember. There's a vein or a nerve or something in your wrist that if you get cut or ripped you can bleed to death. It's like in a really specific spot too. No, not suicidal, but it's really interesting to me. Cause my brother used to always tell me that if a mosquito bit me there I would die. Always. Like, when he was eight, he was telling this to a five year old me. I was so scared a mosquito would bite me on the wrist when I was a kid I slept with my hands under the pillow pads down so there'd be no chance of it happening.
How the heck would he have known something like that when he was a kiddie? I don't know, but where my room was, I always got bit a ton by spiders and whathaveyou, legs and arms mostly, and I can't help but wonder if him telling me this actually prevented it from happening. Thanks bro.
My grand old mum remembered it was my birthday. She asked me what I wanted for dinner this morning, and she never does that. Didn't say 'happy birthday'. At all. But, I got fish. FISH! I also got a wooden parasol. This is very strange to me, because I asked for three things, none of which were a wooden parasol. Two rabbit dolls, the white and black rabbits from Pandora Hearts, which would either have to be made or the materials gotten for me so I could make them, and a camera. Yeah the parasol's pretty spiffy, and I'm probably going to use it instead of just leaving it in my room, but why? I guess the idea was 'hey she's into oriental stuff, let's get her this'.
My party's on saturday. Gonna be at a swanky pizza joint.
I'm drinking glögg right now. It's a Nordic drink, and it was totally made in Sweden. (I love World Market!!) It's non-alcoholic, don't worry. It kinda tastes like cider in a way, only not. It's good in a strange way. It definitely tastes like a Christmas thing.
For Hetalia stuff, I'm Greenland, so this is pretty amazing for me right now.
[IMG]http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee163/Red_Spearrow/blog%20pics/food082106069.jpg[/IMG]
Yoicks, I exited out of this page while I was still writing. Google must love me cause this post was still all here. Erm, to wrap things up, here's a picture of the rest of the Nordic nations.
[IMG]http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee163/Red_Spearrow/blog%20pics/nordics3.jpg[/IMG]
Whew
Ranting is really making me feel better. But I don't want my amazingly lovely new blog to be filled with all the whiny drivel-ly poo that I don't bother my friends with. Hah, made a cake and got my first blog for my 18th birthday presents to me.
I have never gotten stung by a bee or a wasp. No, yes it's random but just go with it. So I have long hair, and wasps(and sometimes grasshoppers) get caught in it, especially during the summer. I've never gotten stung. I like, bat them out of my hair before I realize what it is, then they're on the ground and I either trample them or run away. I'm scared of wasps. They are one of the few things I run away from. For whatever reason, they love me. They will follow me when I walk, and pretty much chase me when I run. Gack, does anyone else have this problem? It probably doesn't help I use flower scented shampoo. I don't use perfume or any kind of spray to top it off thankfully. I have some really amazing pineapple perfume, but I don't know where it is. Man, I don't know where a lot of stuff is. K's right, I gotta clean my room or burn it or something. (haha, she's never said burn it, but that'd probably work too, 'cept taking out junk to burn in the yard is illegal, and burning cloth can release toxic fumes which I don't want to deal with. I have enough brain damage thank you very much.)
Okay, so where did the brain damage thing come up? I don't know. It happened when I was like three, ran into the bathroom sink head on in the dark. (It was so scary back then I remember doing this.) And a can of that powder soap stuff used for cleaning the toilette fell on my head too. I was a cute little twerp, huh?
I was also born blonde haired and blue eyed. I stayed that way until I was two, and then my eyes started going darker. I was blonde until hmm, don't know when. But it turned dirty blonde, and now it's really dark brown, and my eyes are hazel. (Yeah, like more than 100,000 other girls, but whatev. Oh wait, did you know, if you're 'one in a million' there are a thousand other people in China just like you? Yeah, ha.)
Ever since I was little, like, little-little, I've been cutting my hair at random times and pretty much butchering it. I've gotten it pretty down now where I can cut my own bangs(you stop laughing K, I know you just snickered if you're reading this) well, I can trim my bangs well enough for me. But lately I've really been thinking about just cutting off all my hair. The dying what's left white, blue, red, or even green, and just going from there.
I'm reading a murder mystery Hetalia fic right now. US and UK are the stars. And it is some weirdness. Roderich's dead, Gilbert's dead, and Arthur's got a satchel he carries around with him that the author keeps calling a man-purse. I can't figure out who the killer is. It's US/UK warning ya, but you can read it too if you'd like. I'm more focused on nabbing the killer than the lovey dovey stuff. Whodunit? Whodunit?? Whodunit?!? I'm not tired, but I'm thinking about going to bed now. It's 4:36 am, and I'm cold.
I have never gotten stung by a bee or a wasp. No, yes it's random but just go with it. So I have long hair, and wasps(and sometimes grasshoppers) get caught in it, especially during the summer. I've never gotten stung. I like, bat them out of my hair before I realize what it is, then they're on the ground and I either trample them or run away. I'm scared of wasps. They are one of the few things I run away from. For whatever reason, they love me. They will follow me when I walk, and pretty much chase me when I run. Gack, does anyone else have this problem? It probably doesn't help I use flower scented shampoo. I don't use perfume or any kind of spray to top it off thankfully. I have some really amazing pineapple perfume, but I don't know where it is. Man, I don't know where a lot of stuff is. K's right, I gotta clean my room or burn it or something. (haha, she's never said burn it, but that'd probably work too, 'cept taking out junk to burn in the yard is illegal, and burning cloth can release toxic fumes which I don't want to deal with. I have enough brain damage thank you very much.)
Okay, so where did the brain damage thing come up? I don't know. It happened when I was like three, ran into the bathroom sink head on in the dark. (It was so scary back then I remember doing this.) And a can of that powder soap stuff used for cleaning the toilette fell on my head too. I was a cute little twerp, huh?
I was also born blonde haired and blue eyed. I stayed that way until I was two, and then my eyes started going darker. I was blonde until hmm, don't know when. But it turned dirty blonde, and now it's really dark brown, and my eyes are hazel. (Yeah, like more than 100,000 other girls, but whatev. Oh wait, did you know, if you're 'one in a million' there are a thousand other people in China just like you? Yeah, ha.)
Ever since I was little, like, little-little, I've been cutting my hair at random times and pretty much butchering it. I've gotten it pretty down now where I can cut my own bangs(you stop laughing K, I know you just snickered if you're reading this) well, I can trim my bangs well enough for me. But lately I've really been thinking about just cutting off all my hair. The dying what's left white, blue, red, or even green, and just going from there.
I'm reading a murder mystery Hetalia fic right now. US and UK are the stars. And it is some weirdness. Roderich's dead, Gilbert's dead, and Arthur's got a satchel he carries around with him that the author keeps calling a man-purse. I can't figure out who the killer is. It's US/UK warning ya, but you can read it too if you'd like. I'm more focused on nabbing the killer than the lovey dovey stuff. Whodunit? Whodunit?? Whodunit?!? I'm not tired, but I'm thinking about going to bed now. It's 4:36 am, and I'm cold.
Still my birthday, with tons of memories to dredge up
(Viewer discretion advised, some subjects are pg-13ish cause of memories of a mean me. I looked at this, and it was either save it to the computer where it might be found, delete it, or post it. It's posted.)
It's one in the morning, and I've decided not to sleep.
Out of tea, I'll drink a Monster(blue kind) or coffee. Kay, had to try the cake, make sure it was good enough to waste my time putting frosting on it. IT IS. <33333 Oh hohohohoho, I gotta remember that tea is the number one ingredient ever in cake from now on. That and not measuring stuff. Tea and an random amounts of everything, that's what makes a good cake.
1:28 am The sirens started up late tonight. Usually they start around seven or so in the evening.
I really miss my friend Erin right now loves. She was my best friend from kindergarten all the way up to sometime around sixth grade. We were both home schooled right at the end there, so not exactly sure when I lost saw her. Wanna know why I haven't seen her in seven years? Our moms had been sort of friends too, because they were stuck talking to each other whenever we hung out, which was a lot. And they got into some kind of argument and my mom just stopped bringing me over to see my friend and her mom stopped bringing her over to see me. Good grief, seven years. We're eighteen and haven't seen each other since we were elevenish. I want to freaking call her now. See if she's alive and sane. Hah, hopefully she didn't get kidnapped or something. She had an email back then, I didn't (didn't use the internet, my computer of then was born two years after me XD), she had a 'boyfriend' who lived in NY, who was the actor for Spiderman. ...........I seriously hope that girl didn't get herself kidnapped.
Well since I'm on the subject, Erin's also the reason why I don't sing for anyone. We both loved singing, she did it way more than I did, and I thought, way better than me. Once she got out of the car cause were were dropping her off at her house from like a party or just hanging out or something, and my mom turned to me, cute little six or seven year old me, and said; "Wow, I'm glad that's over. She sings like nails on a chalkboard." (not so sure about the wording, but it was to that effect) So the cuteness that was me, got her first taste of being self conscience, and stopped singing. Yeah still did it for school group junk cause that was required, but you could NOT get me to sing by myself. I do it now sometimes if I'm happy enough and alone, or with K, who is made of awesome. Tried singing at night when I was, hrm, maybe 13 or so? Guess what duckies, my mom heard me through the walls and it bothered her so she couldn't sleep. -.- I'm not that bad a singer, she's just a ......(insert whatever word you please here quite a good lot of them will fit).
The woman used to use the scar on her belly as proof that I was related to her (C-section), but all that really proved to me was that she had a baby. Well, as it turns out, unfortunately, we are related. There's no questioning that I wasn't adopted. Wanna know why? Because there's a portrait of a woman in the hallway that was done over seventy years ago who I look exactly like. I like looking like my dead great-great-great grandma Lu-something than my mom. Eat it you hag.
My brother moved out last year, and our mom keeps like pressing him to come back. I miss him a ton, but I know why he's staying away. I'm going to do the same. As soon as I'm out of high school, I'm going on a roadtrip to Canada, then I'm off to college. If I can help it I won't even show my face during holidays. Me and my mom are kinda like two big cats shoved into a small space. We can get along fine as long as we ignore each other and don't get in the others way or are within arm length distance from each other. Eh, depends on the day.... Otherwise we can get at each others throats pretty bad. She doesn't say it, but you can get it from how she looks at me that she thinks I'm exactly like my dad and it's only because of him I'm how I am. Yar, I'm bipolar. No, I don't bring it up every moment of the day. I can get through my days fine. Kinda like when I told her flat out I hated her when I was fifteen, she took me to a doctor to put me on anti-depressants, made me go to counseling with the pastor of our church, then his wife, then one lady I had never met before but was an overbearing hugg-y soul who just didn't get no teenager liked strangers giving them hugs or giving them grandmotherly kisses on the cheek My grandmother is Italian. She never gave 'grandmotherly kisses' she gave me a pink stuffed rabbit when I was four that my dog ate when I was nine. If you gave her crap, she'd whoop ya, and then you'd never do it again. I love my grandmother! Just not whoever the heck that random lady was trying to pretend to be anything like her. Cheeky duckweed.
My grandma's got Alzheimer's really bad, so she doesn't remember me, or her own children. That must suck, but, I guess if you had grandchildren like my cousins (drunkards since they were kiddies), maybe it isn't all that bad.
I basically got adopted as a surrogate granddaughter by an awesome old lady at church. E's great. Just found out the guy she's always with is her boyfriend, not her hubby. Well, he's still my equivalent to a grand-da anyway. He's bipolar too. He got sent to the hospital and the parentels decided we were going to go visit him. I don't get told anything. So I was already mad from being put in the same car as ugly, and then they thought telling me a guy I love is in the hospital and that we were going to see him. Right then. Oh yeah, that went over well. I told them I really wanted to go home(because I am awesome and do keep things in check. they could tell I was in a foul mood but not in a rage). There was no way I would be able to smile and tell gramps I loved him and that he should get better soon. Refused to go in and stayed in the car. I didn't want to see him like that. The wind blew the car door and hit a silver car beside us (we wrote down our info and stuck it to the car for them cause it left a slight dent and our paint its door). Well, as it turned out, gramps didn't want to see anyone either. He was in the same enraged sate I was in, only moreso. He screamed his guts out for the parentels to get lost, and the hag said he sounded like a demon. Well woman, that's going to be me if I stay here for as long as you want me to, so I'm really doing you a favor. Man I love my grandpa guy. We were totally on the same page that day.
In all honesty, I only starting kinda liking people again since I found a few good ones. My school's annoying, but it's got some decent folks. C's the only reason I let anyone hug me and give hugs on occasion because they hugged me everyday until I got used to it. (I was too quiet to actually vocalize how uncomfortable it made me). Funny story though, nobody liked this person, and it literally took me years to figure out that I didn't really like them either. They got caught making out with a foreign exchange student from Japan or China or somewhere Oriental, and yeah. Kinda a whore. They were both female which threw up a very well placed wall between me and them. Oh hohoho, We had an awesome Ukrainian come and hang with us last year, and you have no idea how much I was watching that kid to make sure she was alright. I didn't care if I had known C for years, I was ready to start something if she so much as looked at the kid wrong. I'm just an old guard dog. Guarded Erin a ton too. I think I might have done it too much when we were little and she didn't know how to stand up for herself because of it. Dunno. Hope not.
I've only had one boyfriend in my life. I asked his but out fro a friend, and she asked his but out for me. He's currently dating one of my older friends. It kinda feels like we're passing him around like a toy saying 'here, I don't want this, you can have it'. I 'dated' him for three months, we never went anywhere, he kissed the side of my head once, I met his mom, and I was completely gaga head over heels I love you with him. For about three months anyway. I'd never been in any kind of relationship before, even one lame like this where nothing happened, at all. We might have well just been friends still. So, I was gaga over him. Big deal. Took about three months of praising God for letting me be around 'this awesome guy', til it happened that my common sense kicked in. I got to figure out he was a total schmuck when it came to really important things, and I totally dumped him. The reason God let me date him, was probably to get the gaga lovey-dovey mood out of the way and think with my head and heart instead of just clinging to 'I'm so in loooooove' junk.
I do like a guy right now though. He's not the one I dumped. He goes to my church, takes care of the kiddies, and is a total sweet guy. Bad thing, my mom is gaga over him and was trying for at least a year to get me to go out with him. I don't like her, or her opinions. I don't need an update on what he did that day when I miss church. Good grief woman, you're in your late fifties or something. You don't need to be trying to pick out a suitor for me or trying to set me up. It's lame I like him. I think he likes me too, but I stopped going to church often a long time ago. Most of the people there were tight nit when I showed up, and they're still just as tight and I don't have any friends there except for one nice British lady. ...she's my mom's friend too. >.< So I can either talk to her, or my mom. My bruder comes by too for second service, but going to church at six and staying until one or two in the afternoon doesn't work for me. Not when I'm not needed or with people to talk to. (My friend B from there moved out of state earlier this year) I tried looking after the nursery, and it was cool and all, but I just got so sick of watching other peoples' kids and not having the memory to tell who their parents were when they came to get them. I did it for like a year, and I was done.
Another thing that's pretty bad that had been starting to happen recently; when I do go, I get ditched at church. The parentels come up with the excuse of 'oh, we thought your bruder was going to take you home' and he left too because they never told him anything either. If I want to go to church I am walking to the one nearby on my own without them or waiting until my car gets fixed so I can drive. I am not getting ditched miles from home by old people who call everyone stupid and chatter like epileptic frogs on acid.
I'm not a pacifist, but I don't take well to senseless name calling and yarking. Yeah so and so did something pretty stupid, but you don't have to point the obvious out and then go off on them while the only one within hearing range is me. Then they echo everything the other says. It's infuriating sometimes.
And people wonder why I don't come out of my room. That's a lie, I do come out of it more now. To walk the dog. I get to be outside and not with them. It's like gold.
I miss my aunt's pugs. I didn't like my cousins, they were meatbags even then, but I liked the dogs. They were wrinkly and cute. I remember some people we stayed with when we went back to visit were like, obsessed with the Coca Cola bears, and they were everywhere. I used to like a kid named Randalf when I was a kiddie. Who the heck names their son Randalf? Poor kid. I feel even sorrier for him because I knew a tiny me totally stalked him. Not like, stalk-stalked him, but definitely tried to follow him around everywhere. The problem with being smitten with somebody when you're a kid is that you don't know how to express it. Me, I stalked him. Some boys who liked me did classroom chores when I was assigned them. (Too bad for them it just made me not like them because they always picked the chores I liked doing.) Then, in the second grade, I still feel bleh about this, but a boy came up and kissed me on the lips while I was on the swing. (He was not one of the boys I liked, he was gross.) So, I stood up, walked about three steps, and threw up. I told the teacher I threw up, my mom got called, and I was sent home. Poor kid, probably scarred him for life. First girl he kissed threw up. (I still regret not throwing up on him though.)
Kay, this is long, I'm gonna post it and make another.
It's one in the morning, and I've decided not to sleep.
Out of tea, I'll drink a Monster(blue kind) or coffee. Kay, had to try the cake, make sure it was good enough to waste my time putting frosting on it. IT IS. <33333 Oh hohohohoho, I gotta remember that tea is the number one ingredient ever in cake from now on. That and not measuring stuff. Tea and an random amounts of everything, that's what makes a good cake.
1:28 am The sirens started up late tonight. Usually they start around seven or so in the evening.
I really miss my friend Erin right now loves. She was my best friend from kindergarten all the way up to sometime around sixth grade. We were both home schooled right at the end there, so not exactly sure when I lost saw her. Wanna know why I haven't seen her in seven years? Our moms had been sort of friends too, because they were stuck talking to each other whenever we hung out, which was a lot. And they got into some kind of argument and my mom just stopped bringing me over to see my friend and her mom stopped bringing her over to see me. Good grief, seven years. We're eighteen and haven't seen each other since we were elevenish. I want to freaking call her now. See if she's alive and sane. Hah, hopefully she didn't get kidnapped or something. She had an email back then, I didn't (didn't use the internet, my computer of then was born two years after me XD), she had a 'boyfriend' who lived in NY, who was the actor for Spiderman. ...........I seriously hope that girl didn't get herself kidnapped.
Well since I'm on the subject, Erin's also the reason why I don't sing for anyone. We both loved singing, she did it way more than I did, and I thought, way better than me. Once she got out of the car cause were were dropping her off at her house from like a party or just hanging out or something, and my mom turned to me, cute little six or seven year old me, and said; "Wow, I'm glad that's over. She sings like nails on a chalkboard." (not so sure about the wording, but it was to that effect) So the cuteness that was me, got her first taste of being self conscience, and stopped singing. Yeah still did it for school group junk cause that was required, but you could NOT get me to sing by myself. I do it now sometimes if I'm happy enough and alone, or with K, who is made of awesome. Tried singing at night when I was, hrm, maybe 13 or so? Guess what duckies, my mom heard me through the walls and it bothered her so she couldn't sleep. -.- I'm not that bad a singer, she's just a ......(insert whatever word you please here quite a good lot of them will fit).
The woman used to use the scar on her belly as proof that I was related to her (C-section), but all that really proved to me was that she had a baby. Well, as it turns out, unfortunately, we are related. There's no questioning that I wasn't adopted. Wanna know why? Because there's a portrait of a woman in the hallway that was done over seventy years ago who I look exactly like. I like looking like my dead great-great-great grandma Lu-something than my mom. Eat it you hag.
My brother moved out last year, and our mom keeps like pressing him to come back. I miss him a ton, but I know why he's staying away. I'm going to do the same. As soon as I'm out of high school, I'm going on a roadtrip to Canada, then I'm off to college. If I can help it I won't even show my face during holidays. Me and my mom are kinda like two big cats shoved into a small space. We can get along fine as long as we ignore each other and don't get in the others way or are within arm length distance from each other. Eh, depends on the day.... Otherwise we can get at each others throats pretty bad. She doesn't say it, but you can get it from how she looks at me that she thinks I'm exactly like my dad and it's only because of him I'm how I am. Yar, I'm bipolar. No, I don't bring it up every moment of the day. I can get through my days fine. Kinda like when I told her flat out I hated her when I was fifteen, she took me to a doctor to put me on anti-depressants, made me go to counseling with the pastor of our church, then his wife, then one lady I had never met before but was an overbearing hugg-y soul who just didn't get no teenager liked strangers giving them hugs or giving them grandmotherly kisses on the cheek My grandmother is Italian. She never gave 'grandmotherly kisses' she gave me a pink stuffed rabbit when I was four that my dog ate when I was nine. If you gave her crap, she'd whoop ya, and then you'd never do it again. I love my grandmother! Just not whoever the heck that random lady was trying to pretend to be anything like her. Cheeky duckweed.
My grandma's got Alzheimer's really bad, so she doesn't remember me, or her own children. That must suck, but, I guess if you had grandchildren like my cousins (drunkards since they were kiddies), maybe it isn't all that bad.
I basically got adopted as a surrogate granddaughter by an awesome old lady at church. E's great. Just found out the guy she's always with is her boyfriend, not her hubby. Well, he's still my equivalent to a grand-da anyway. He's bipolar too. He got sent to the hospital and the parentels decided we were going to go visit him. I don't get told anything. So I was already mad from being put in the same car as ugly, and then they thought telling me a guy I love is in the hospital and that we were going to see him. Right then. Oh yeah, that went over well. I told them I really wanted to go home(because I am awesome and do keep things in check. they could tell I was in a foul mood but not in a rage). There was no way I would be able to smile and tell gramps I loved him and that he should get better soon. Refused to go in and stayed in the car. I didn't want to see him like that. The wind blew the car door and hit a silver car beside us (we wrote down our info and stuck it to the car for them cause it left a slight dent and our paint its door). Well, as it turned out, gramps didn't want to see anyone either. He was in the same enraged sate I was in, only moreso. He screamed his guts out for the parentels to get lost, and the hag said he sounded like a demon. Well woman, that's going to be me if I stay here for as long as you want me to, so I'm really doing you a favor. Man I love my grandpa guy. We were totally on the same page that day.
In all honesty, I only starting kinda liking people again since I found a few good ones. My school's annoying, but it's got some decent folks. C's the only reason I let anyone hug me and give hugs on occasion because they hugged me everyday until I got used to it. (I was too quiet to actually vocalize how uncomfortable it made me). Funny story though, nobody liked this person, and it literally took me years to figure out that I didn't really like them either. They got caught making out with a foreign exchange student from Japan or China or somewhere Oriental, and yeah. Kinda a whore. They were both female which threw up a very well placed wall between me and them. Oh hohoho, We had an awesome Ukrainian come and hang with us last year, and you have no idea how much I was watching that kid to make sure she was alright. I didn't care if I had known C for years, I was ready to start something if she so much as looked at the kid wrong. I'm just an old guard dog. Guarded Erin a ton too. I think I might have done it too much when we were little and she didn't know how to stand up for herself because of it. Dunno. Hope not.
I've only had one boyfriend in my life. I asked his but out fro a friend, and she asked his but out for me. He's currently dating one of my older friends. It kinda feels like we're passing him around like a toy saying 'here, I don't want this, you can have it'. I 'dated' him for three months, we never went anywhere, he kissed the side of my head once, I met his mom, and I was completely gaga head over heels I love you with him. For about three months anyway. I'd never been in any kind of relationship before, even one lame like this where nothing happened, at all. We might have well just been friends still. So, I was gaga over him. Big deal. Took about three months of praising God for letting me be around 'this awesome guy', til it happened that my common sense kicked in. I got to figure out he was a total schmuck when it came to really important things, and I totally dumped him. The reason God let me date him, was probably to get the gaga lovey-dovey mood out of the way and think with my head and heart instead of just clinging to 'I'm so in loooooove' junk.
I do like a guy right now though. He's not the one I dumped. He goes to my church, takes care of the kiddies, and is a total sweet guy. Bad thing, my mom is gaga over him and was trying for at least a year to get me to go out with him. I don't like her, or her opinions. I don't need an update on what he did that day when I miss church. Good grief woman, you're in your late fifties or something. You don't need to be trying to pick out a suitor for me or trying to set me up. It's lame I like him. I think he likes me too, but I stopped going to church often a long time ago. Most of the people there were tight nit when I showed up, and they're still just as tight and I don't have any friends there except for one nice British lady. ...she's my mom's friend too. >.< So I can either talk to her, or my mom. My bruder comes by too for second service, but going to church at six and staying until one or two in the afternoon doesn't work for me. Not when I'm not needed or with people to talk to. (My friend B from there moved out of state earlier this year) I tried looking after the nursery, and it was cool and all, but I just got so sick of watching other peoples' kids and not having the memory to tell who their parents were when they came to get them. I did it for like a year, and I was done.
Another thing that's pretty bad that had been starting to happen recently; when I do go, I get ditched at church. The parentels come up with the excuse of 'oh, we thought your bruder was going to take you home' and he left too because they never told him anything either. If I want to go to church I am walking to the one nearby on my own without them or waiting until my car gets fixed so I can drive. I am not getting ditched miles from home by old people who call everyone stupid and chatter like epileptic frogs on acid.
I'm not a pacifist, but I don't take well to senseless name calling and yarking. Yeah so and so did something pretty stupid, but you don't have to point the obvious out and then go off on them while the only one within hearing range is me. Then they echo everything the other says. It's infuriating sometimes.
And people wonder why I don't come out of my room. That's a lie, I do come out of it more now. To walk the dog. I get to be outside and not with them. It's like gold.
I miss my aunt's pugs. I didn't like my cousins, they were meatbags even then, but I liked the dogs. They were wrinkly and cute. I remember some people we stayed with when we went back to visit were like, obsessed with the Coca Cola bears, and they were everywhere. I used to like a kid named Randalf when I was a kiddie. Who the heck names their son Randalf? Poor kid. I feel even sorrier for him because I knew a tiny me totally stalked him. Not like, stalk-stalked him, but definitely tried to follow him around everywhere. The problem with being smitten with somebody when you're a kid is that you don't know how to express it. Me, I stalked him. Some boys who liked me did classroom chores when I was assigned them. (Too bad for them it just made me not like them because they always picked the chores I liked doing.) Then, in the second grade, I still feel bleh about this, but a boy came up and kissed me on the lips while I was on the swing. (He was not one of the boys I liked, he was gross.) So, I stood up, walked about three steps, and threw up. I told the teacher I threw up, my mom got called, and I was sent home. Poor kid, probably scarred him for life. First girl he kissed threw up. (I still regret not throwing up on him though.)
Kay, this is long, I'm gonna post it and make another.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
So, it's my birthday. Today, and now.
I didn't have mochiko flour to make mochis, so I made a cake from scratch without measuring anything. There's flour, sugar, powdered sugar, vanilla, sweet basil, British tea (because I was drinking it and decided to put it in), a little lemon extract, and um, huh.... what did I put in that thing.... erm, two eggs, some vegetable oil, and some baking soda.
It's in the oven, I'm baking it at 350F for 43 minutes. Hopefully it won't turn out crudey cause good or bad I'm gonna eat it. Hurray, this is how I'm starting out being eighteen. Whoo hoo!!!! .... I'm so lame. Kay, there's 13 minutes left, and it rose really freakishly well and it smells okay and everything (not like the cupcakes I got blamed for poisoning when it was the internet recipe's fault for making them toxic). Doesn't look done though, so I might have to leave it in longer.
Listening to Jordin Sparks "Battlefield" and Josh Ritter's "The Curse". The first one grew on me a bit cause my art teacher used to always have her radio set to whatever station played that, and the second I think I got introduced to from a comment on a fanfiction or some random thing.
In later news, my horse is coming back from the trainer tomorrow. He is now ridable. A real horse. That's a relief, because really, a baby horse is just a big dog. A big dog that can buck and rear and decides to have dominance issues with you whenever it feels like it, and then act like a huffy blooming woman when you win.
Five minutes left on the cake, but it looks like it's done now. Stuck a butterknife in it, came up clean, so I'm gonna go get that thing out now. Yeah.
Whootness. I am awesome right now. The cake looks fantabulous, except for the er, stab wound from the butter knife. I kinda wasn't too nice about it I 'spose. I want to get some red dye, and paint it up with frosting like the Greenlandic flag. I'm getting Denmark's flag on my other cake apparently since drawing a circle is too complex for the 'amazingly professional cake-makers'. They put soccer balls on other people's cakes though. Lousy cheapskates.
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